Rulespocalypse NOW!

Rules. All games have them by definition.

game; noun
a competitive activity involving skill, chance, or endurance on the part of two or more persons who play according to a set of rules, usually for their own amusement or for that of spectators.

This definition does not account for the reality of the Rules. The cold, harsh, tundra of the Rules wasteland cares not of antiquated notions such as "amusement". It cares not for personal feelings, thoughts, or desires. The Rules are a force of nature in games. An unstoppable force that cannot be reasoned or bargained with. In all game situations the Rules are akin to God.

Much like holy books such as the Bible or Koran are passed down as the word of God, so too are the Rulebooks for Warhammer: Fantasy Battles. Each section of these books can be broken down, explored, and translated into many different possible meanings. Each meaning has repercussions that reach far beyond the mortal realm, and its tiny models, and into the very fabric of human existence. Within these pages are the powers to destroy and create, to live or die. It is up to us to learn from the Rules, to take it's message and preach it's gospel of the nerd. To become like that which we may never truly understand. To become Rules Disciples.

Much like Biblical Scholars we study the Rulebooks, finding new and interesting interpretations of the cryptic texts contained within. Good or bad, these interpretations shape our view of the world around us and can change the very outcome of every encounter in the game. It is nearly impossible to truly know the Rules. Many nerds have devoted their entire lives to the pursuit of this goal, some failing to ever again see the light of day.

I am not so strong. My knowledge of the Rules is limited, as is my exposure to it's grandeur. But I carry on, knowing that I may never reach the apex of the icy Rules summit. That I may die from lack of oxygen, or starvation, as I claw my way towards the top. To be dragged back down by the packs of ravenous dire nerds who roam it's frozen cracks and crevices. Trying is the first step towards failing and I try in spectacular ways.

Tabletop Tuesday this week was attacked by the Rules. Our minds clouded by it's death-like grip we stumbled on in an attempt at game survival. We missed critical rolls. We missed important turn phases. We royally fucked up yet another game of Warhammer. And to add insult to injury, we fought against one another, not in the game as prescribed by our nerd brethren, but in reality as commanded by our very Rules master. Possessed like angels of mercy, or hellish fiends, we bickered and argued over minute details of the game. Unable to come to a compromise we bitterly ground out the last few turns of the game before calling it a night.

It was a pathetic showing for both armies involved, but in the end the Ogre Kingdoms overcame the Dwarf army in this point for point rematch of last week's battle.

No "play by play" this week. No cute little paint images. This is the reality of the Rules. This is the pleasure and pain, and this is why we play.

May the Rules spare our eternal souls.

Baby steps up a short bullet spewing hill.

It has begun!

I battled the Dwarf forces of R.S. led by THE THURMANATOR in a mighty effort to avoid being torn to shreds by Dwarfen Organ and Long guns. The battle raged for 2 hours and in the end only a handful of Gnoblars remained to tell the sad, yet funny, tale of this great Ogre defeat. My Warhammerin' friends and I started playing "regular" Tuesday night battles last week. Two weeks in I brought my newly glued Ogre Kingdoms army to face the twisted stunty freaks known as "Dwarfs". We have been playing 500 point battles while we learn the varied, and lengthy, rules as we are all newbies to the game. Having no experience with the OK and their units I went to the experts at the Ogre Stronghold for suggestions. I chose to go with a small powerful army list provided by Mercules which he used in local Warband games.

Maneater (Commander) 80pts @90
- Heavy Armor 4pts
- Brace of Handguns 6pts

Butcher 130pts @150
-Wyrdstone Necklace 20pts

Bullsx4 @140
Irongutsx2 @96
Gnoblar Fightersx12 @24

Against the better judgment of those who have actually played this army I decided to mix it up a bit with 3 units instead of 4. I grouped the 4 bulls with the Maneater for one unit (marked as 1 in the diagram below), the Gnoblar by themselves nearby (marked as 2), and the two Ironguts with the Butcher on the far left (marked as 3). My opponent (the dirty, drunken, stinking, stunties) set his units up on a nearby hill with 10 Thunderers (marked as 4), 1 Organ Gun (marked as 5), a Thane (his Commander, marked as 6), and a group of Warriors (marked as 7).

The term "opponent" is not 100% accurate in this situation for it was not a mere mortal I was doing battle with. It was THE THURMANATOR. The perfect amalgamation of nerdy stat tracking, rules lawyering, min maxing, super geek prowess. A being who has played more games (and gamers) in his short time on Earth than a football stadium full of attractive women. And the games were not simply "played"... they were THURMANATED. A terror, a legend, a force of nature. This was my "opponent" in my first real match of WHFB. I had yet to begin and I had already lost.

With initial placement complete (after being "owned" in the terrain placement phase) we began the first turn of the game. Knowing the Dwarfen Organ Gun would likely tear apart my Ogres I decided to push hard and fast in an attempt to tie up the ranged units in Close Combat. I marched forward with the intention of smashing small skulls into a fine dust and snorting what was left.

Shortly after moving forward I attempted to cast Brain Gobbler on the Dwarf Warriors in front of my Iron Guts and Butcher. My hope was they would panic and run in front of the Organ Gun and Thunderers (not likely with Leadership 9, but what the heck...). I chose to roll 3 Casting Dice and rolled three ones. THREE ONES!! Miscast. The very first roll of the game, the very first roll for the Ogre Kingdoms, the very first roll for me, and it is THREE FUCKING ONES. I rolled against the Miscast Table with a five, resulting in a massive magical FART (represented by the neon green aura) which inflicted one wound on my Ironguts. While I did find the result funny it could have been much worse. Anything under a five on the table is pretty deadly and could have ended my chances of victory right then and there. THE THURMANATOR went next, firing his Organ Gun into the ranks of my Commander and Bulls and taking out two Bulls instantly. This was in addition to inflicting one wound on my Commander. At this point I was ready to call it as it was clear my tactics were not sound and I was going to be wiped out by the uber-nerd... the unstoppable perfect rolling machine...
Knowing it was too late to change my fate I pressed on, continuing my march to death from thousands of tiny bullets. My Butcher attempted to cast two spells (Bullgorger and Bonecruncher) and failed all his casting rolls. Keep in mind the minimum to cast is 3+. Yes. I really did roll that badly. Another round of fire from the Organ Gun took my remaining two Bulls down while the Thunderers fired into the Gnoblars killing one. At this point the Gnoblars are doing better than the multiple wound 35 point models. Somehow that doesn't shock me. The Dwarf Thane moves in front of the Thunderers in an attempt to stop my Maneater from attacking the Thunderers.
Finally! I am able to successfully Bull Charge the Dwarfen Warrior unit with the Iron Guts and Butcher, flanking with the Maneater. I inflict three wounds on the Dwarfs from the Bull Charge and another two in the attack. The Dwarfs hit back and deal two wounds on my Iron Guts (mostly due to a rules SNAFU and our group not fully understanding Close Combat rules). This unit loses Combat with a Musician tie-breaker, fails their Leadership break check, and runs 6" the other way. The Maneater passes and presses the attack on the Warriors. The Gnoblars move up but are still not in combat range. Dwarfen Organ Gun lays into the Gnoblars killing four and causing them to break 8" in the other direction. The Thunderers fire into their retreat killing another two. At this point the battle is pretty much over, but I figured it was important to finish what was started and press the attack.
This is what happens when you press an attack with nothing but a Maneater with one wound on him. The Ironguts and Butcher rallied only to be shot down by the Organ Gun. The Maneater continued attacking the Warriors and inflicted two more wounds before being shot down by the Thunderers. And finally, the Gnoblars failed their rally and ran right up to the edge of the board.

And that was it.

Quite possibly the worst showing for an Ogre Army ever seen. From start to finish I was rolling very poorly. My "opponent" was consistently rolling perfect rolls with maximum hits, wounds, saves, and dispels. It was a massacre, a bloodbath.

Good news: I learned a lot about the game and my army. Next time I will be better prepared to deal with a situation like the one outlined above, and maybe I won't eat as many bullets from the Organ Gun.

Bad news: I will have to play this same army again at some point. I have seen this Organ Gun in 5 matches now and it has yet to roll a single misfire. I am starting to believe it is invincible. It has greatly shaken my faith as it mowed down my entire army with 3 rolls.

Now I will head back the drawing board in an attempt to create an army that can handle 8 to 10 automatic hits with 6 to 8 wounds at a -3 armor modifier every round. I haven't lost faith in the power of the Ogre Kingdoms, but I have lost a little bit of faith in myself as a gamer.